Foul Spirits and Harmonic Gems: Let's play The Bard's Tale III

Let's journey to a faraway time. A time when nothing is certain, and anything is possible. A colorful time of magic and wonder, joy and fear.

I'm speaking, of course, of the 1980s.

Journey back with me...to 1988. Games for the home computer are a growing business, and fantasy-themed role playing games are popular. Interplay productions releases the classic dungeon-crawling RPG The Bard's Tale III: The Thief of Fate, the hot new game for your Commodore 64. I'll be playing through the game (BT3 for short) in this thread. We can look forward to plenty of combat, some clever puzzles, and lots and lots of dungeon crawling! Expect one big update per week plus some other occasional posts.

Symthesizers had mainstream popularity in 1988. Bands like Duran Duran, Mister Mister, and The The performed to enthusiastic crowds; it's a few years before electronic music fell out of favor and these bands were only be able to perform at second-string Vegas venues like Circus Circus. Since it's an 80's game about bards, I'll be listening to all 80's music as I play.

Chapter 1: Roll four dice, discard the lowest
In which we read the Backstory, and a bold Band of Heroes is assembled

Let's get started, shall we?


...wait, that's not quite right. Let's try again:


That's more like it...


The attract mode screen scrolls through the story:

Come hear the tale of Skara Brae -
A god returned to have his way.
Creatures of darkness, spawn of night,
The Mad One's kin destroyed the site.
Defenders fell, their bane come true,
Garth, Roscoe, Kylearan too!
As doom approached, the helpless fled.
It did no good, the streets ran red.
Survivors few, they sit and mope,
with but one final ray of hope:
'Cross time and space, the legends say,
Heroes, at last! To steal the day!

Tarjan the Mad God has conquered the world plus some other dimensions. We will start out our adventure as fragile beginners, gather experience and treasure, and fight Tarjan and his minions. (And we're going to steal the day, not save it...because it's the story of the Thief of Fate. You see what they did there?)


Before the adventure begins, we begin the juicy process of assembling a party of seven adventurers. At this point we decide their name, gender, race, and starting class.

Name is limited to 15 characters. Gender determines the character portrait (together with race) but has no other in-game effects. The races are heavily influenced by D&D, which in turn was heavily influenced by Tolkein's books (there were a lot of fantasy novelists in the 20th century, but he really won the LOTR-y in terms of lasting influence). Humans are decent at everything; the other races are good for hitting stuff (Dwarf, Half-Orc), stealing stuff (Hobbit), and magic-ing stuff (Elf, Half-Elf, Gnome).

The starting class choices are:

• Warrior - Hits things. Gets extra attacks-per-round.
• Paladin - Hits things. Gets bonus spell resistance and some class-specific gear but not enough to matter.
• Hunter - Hits things. Gets a chance to insta-kill...which eventually becomes a very high chance.
• Monk - Hits things. Fights well unarmed, gets an AC bonus.
• Bard - Troubador with a small selection of magic songs to use in and out of combat. Mediocre at combat.
• Rogue - Can hide in the shadows and backstab enemies. Mediocre at combat.
• Conjurer, Magician, Wizard - Spellcasters! Can use their spell points (SpPt) to dish out and heal damage, to cast buffs, and a few other fancy things.

There's some limited class-changing in BT3. Our spellcasters will cycle through classes and eventually become Sorcerers, then Archmages or Chronomancers. And still later, one or two of our attackers will become Geomancers, who have good combat ability plus a selection of spells.


The game starts us off with some sample characters. Many of the stats are probably familiar if you've seen an RPG before (but feel free to ask questions and I'll answer if I can). One thing that may look strange: This game is so old-school that lower AC is better. The game includes a lot of spells, each with a four-letter abbreviation, which we'll uncover as we go up levels.

Party planning: There are seven slots. The first four party members are in the front. In the front, they can use (and be hit by) melee attacks. We'll put our attackers (warrior/paladin/hunter/monk) here. Attackers will almost always melee - there are some bows and other ranged attacks, but they're pretty gimpy and ammunition is rare. The last three party members are in the back. In the back, they can't use (or be hit by) melee attacks. We'll put our squishy wizards here. The rogue and bard can be useful in the front or the back.

And now: Audience Participation Time. Send in your character requests! I need a name, gender, race, and starting class. We'll need one bard and one rogue. To fill out the party we'll also want either two attackers and three spellcasters, or two spellcasters and three attackers. The suggested-but-not-required theme is 80's movie characters. Send along your suggestions - and in our next update, we'll leave the refugee camp and start exploring the world!

Leonard Nimoy says: It's worked so far, but we're not out yet.

Well, it's not really 80s, but...

Name: Godzilla
Race: Half-orc
Gender: Male
Class: Warrior

A male human conjurer named Jareth.


Only losers don't get the reference

Exactly what part of 1988 are we going back to here? I'd rather not be a fetus.

a human bard named McFly.

Oh Lord, either you're so young or I'm finally becoming old...

Just like old times, huh?

Hey, how about a Thief? =D

In all seriousness, this is probably my favorite computer RPG ever. Good on you for taking this on!

Muahahahahahahaaaaa...

A half-elf bard name EddieMcGil.

Name: Aenlaiel
Gender: Male
Race: Human
Class: Hunter (AKA Ranger in disguise :P)
If that falls out then I second the vote for Pants, but only if hes a hobbit like the good ole days XD

I vote for a six character party, because the seventh slot can then be filled with summons and other monsters.

Green Dragon breathes fire at 54 Nazis! Everyone dies!

Chapter 2:
In which the Heroes form a Party and pay for Information


EddieMcGil: So there I was, hanging out at Scrapwood Tavern. Skara Brae has been a rough place ever since Tarjan attacked - broken-down buildings, no good stores, roaming gangs of monsters who want to murder your face - basically it's LA but with better air quality. If I was going to survive, I needed more than my trusty mandolin and hip flask...


Aenlaiel: Hey! Wonder Years! What's with the self-narration over here?

EddieMcGil: Just setting up the scene. Who are you?

Aenlaiel: I'm Aenlaiel, the human hunter.

EddieMcGil: Wait, does that mean you hunt humans?

Aenlaiel: I hunt whatever needs killing.

EddieMcGil: He was a tall, grizzled man, and although he had more vowels than seemed healthy, he looked like he was ready to -

Aenlaiel: Dude, I'm right here.

EddieMcGil: - almost done - to take on Tarjan's minions. I thought then that we might make a team.


McFly: Hey guys, I hear you're making a team.

Aenlaiel: Yes, I could see why you'd think that. Because he just said it. Out loud. Like a crazy person.

McFly: Well, you're going to want a bard, so why not bring me along?

Aenlaiel: Aren't you a little young to be going on a journey away from your home?

McFly: Bards need to roam. Besides, I'm getting a little tired of family ties.


Godzilla: DID YOU SAY YOU ARE A BARD?

McFly: That's right.

Godzilla: I LOVE MUSIC. I WISH THEY HAD KARAOKE AT SCRAPWOOD TAVERN!

EddieMcGil: He was huge, green, and spoke in ALL-CAPS with a Japanese accent. Classic meat shield.

Godzilla: WHAT IS HE DOING?

Aenlaiel: Self-narrating. I'm Aenlaiel.

Godzilla: I AM GODZILLA. NICE TO MEET YOU! PLEASE ACCEPT BUSINESS CARD.

McFly: I thought you'd be taller. Like, 50 feet tall.

Godzilla: THAT WAS SPECIAL EFFECTS. BUT IT'S GOOD TO MEET A FAN.


Jareth: A rogue, a hunter, a bard, and a warrior. Sounds like you need...some magic!

Godzilla: HEY, HE MADE FLOWERS APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE!

McFly: They were just up his sleeve.

Jareth: Were they, McFly? Were they? ...I am Jareth, by the way.

Aenlaiel: He's Eddie. I'm Aenlaiel, the human hunter.

EddieMcGil: Don't worry, it's a figure of speech...like how a cat burglar doesn't just steal cats.


Pants: Greetings, gentlemen. I am Pants, and this is my associate, Jordan. Would you care to join our merry band?

Jordan: I think he means band of adventurers, not, like, the Talking Heads or Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark or something like that. I mean, we could probably play some songs too, but first we need some fighters to help us go kill some monsters, because the last one who came with us got his head -

Pants: ...no need to focus on the negatives. The old group broke up. Things were said. But you guys...I've got a good feeling about you guys. Yeah. What do you say we all team up and go take on Tarjan's goons?

Jareth: This is starting to sound like a dangerous idea.

McFly: Hey, don't worry too much about what's going to happen to you on level three. I mean, what could happen to you. Could happen to any of us. I mean...hey, let's get going, right?


EddieMcGil: And so, as we walked out of the refugee camp together, a new team of adventurers was born: The Radical Reaganomics Rangers!

Pants: Oh god, that name is like stupid and awkward had a baby.

Godzilla: IT'S HARD TO SAY! LADIC...RADICAR...GRRRRR!

Aenlaiel: Anyway...as a new party, we should probably visit the weapons shop.

Jareth: Burned down.

Aenlaiel: Ok then, the armor shop.

Jareth: Burned down.

Aenlaiel: ...Fine. The item shop.

Jareth: Yes, that's a wonderful idea.

Aenlaiel: Really?

Jareth: Sure. I mean, if you like smoldering wreckage, gaping holes in the ground, bloodstains...it's got it all.

Aenlaiel: Well, if we're not going to buy equipment, let's talk to the townsfolk.

McFly: Good idea! It won't take long, there's like two of them.


Godzilla: HELLO MISTER BARKEEP. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?


Jareth: Here's a gold piece. Don't spend it all in one place.


Jareth: Interesting. What happens if we give him more money?


(Copy-edit count: 1)

EddieMcGil: With our newfound tavern wisdom, we decided to head into town. But on the way...we found trouble.


Note: I took some liberties with the character suggestions. The first world can be a bit of a slog, so I'm going with the party that will get us past the initial grinding as fast as possible. A lot of dungeon crawlers (say, SMT:Strange Journey) require a lot of grinding to defeat the last boss; BT3 is unusual in that the biggest grind comes at the first boss. On the bright side, the monster encounters in the first town and wilderness are quite easy even at level 1, and we're not going to be stomped by mobs of barbarians just yet. So we've got that going for us. Which is nice.

On the way to town, we hit our first monster encounter! In BT3, monsters attack every few steps - even in town - so in order to get from point A to point B, you have to murder monsters C through Z.


Aenlaiel: Yep, Dark Gnomes are punks. Only about four hit points to their name. Plus McFly has that song going on to give us extra attacks per round. Good job, kid.

McFly: ...

Aenlaiel: What's with him?

Jareth: He's lost his voice. He should be able to sing again once we liquor him up.


Jordan: Guys, I think we should just head straight down the road and see what happens! And maybe if we hold hands and skip like in the Wizard of Oz it won't seem like such along way and let's check out this building just across from the entrance.


Jordan: Looks like a storage room. We should check it out and see what's stored in it, because I think it's the one the bartender talked about, and maybe it's okay if we take things...
EddieMcGil: Of course it's ok to take things. We're just borrowing them!


Pants: Four harmonic gems? That's outrageous!

EddieMcGil: Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Godzilla: WHAT IS A HARMONIC GEM?

Jareth: It's a crystal, nothing more. But if you turn it this way and look into it...it refills all your spell points.

Pants: I like how it's a hal-bard, since it's the Bard's Tale. I see what they did there. Anyway, let's keep exploring town - who brought the graph paper?


Pants: Holy shit, it's a 20-foot tall Bloodwarrior! That can't be good!

McFly: Relax, that just means he's 20 feet away.

Godzilla: LET'S ADVANCE AHEAD SO WE CAN SMASH HIM!

Aenlaiel: Patience, my jolly green giant. If we all stand here and attack, he'll waste his turn walking toward us, and we'll get in some free hits.


Aenlaiel: See? Classic tactics. If we'd advanced, he would have gotten a free hit in on us. And we even got some gold, that apparently we can't buy things with.

EddieMcGil: Skara Brae was crawling with enemies, but we pushed forward, undeterred.


Pants: Godzilla, are you okay with killing big green lizards? Seems like that could have been your cousin Bill or something.

Godzilla: NO, THAT WAS EARL. AND HE WAS A JERK!

Pants: Ouch. Ice cold.


EddieMcGil: We took a break in the main square of Skara Brae to take in the view. After all, life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Pants: Why look at the scenery? It's just a flat blue-and-green flag of sky-and-grass. We can't even see the building two steps away. Seriously. It's like we're Mister Magoo.

McFly: Man, you guys are going to go totally nutso bazoo for Wolfenstein 3D.


Pants: There's a temple to the Mad God in town. I hear it's got some sort of dungeon in it or something...apparently it's a real labyrinth down there.

Jareth: A labyrinth? I rather like the sound of that.


Old man: Beneath Skara Brae you will find one of Tarjan's devotees. Brilhasti ap Tarj is a foul Necromancer, and his life impedes my efforts to stave off disaster. You may enter the Catacombs under the Mad God's Temple by uttering his master's name... 'Tarjan'. Destroy Brilhasti ap Tarj, then return to me for your true quest.

Jordan: I like this guy. He gave us some useful information and then he waved his hand and restored all our spell points. If you have enough experience points he'll let you go up a level, and gain new spells, and even change classes, but only if you're a magic-user.


Aenlaiel: Getting pretty close. Let's go trash some more bozos.

Godzilla: GOOD PLAN!


Priest: Only those who know the name of the Mad one are welcome.

Pants: Max?

Priest: Quit thy babbling.

Jareth: Stop messing about, it's Tarjan.


Priest: Speak not the name of the High one so loudly, lest he answer. Enter the catacombs, believer.

EddieMcGil: And so, filled with trepidation, we stepped down into the lower level of the Mad God's temple.


Game mechanic corner: Bard songs!

You start with six bard songs, and later buy two more. A bard can sing a song outside of combat, which keeps going for quite a while (or until he's silenced). He can also sing a song in combat. (And the non-combat song isn't interrupted. Why not? Because MAGIC!) Casey, could you count down the top bard songs?

Thanks, Casey! This request really means a lot to me after I lost my favorite half-elf, Snuggles. Another neat thing about bard songs is that some combat songs stack! So if you repeatedly sing Sanctuary Score, the whole party's AC eventually plummets all the way to -50. If you repeat Bringaround Ballad, the rate of HP regeneration per turn keeps increasing.

That's it for this update. Next time: We enter the actual dungeon!

Alphaville: Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

This tale has far too many bards.

The banter so far is great, please keep it up and please don't let this LP die like the first BT one did (NEVER FORGET!)

I could never play BT because it was impossible for me to map and find where I was going in that damn town...

The "Not again!" on what was apparently your first encounter elated me. Both because it was on the first, and just because the game was so self-aware. I played some random Bard's Tale on an Amiga back yonder... Probably not this one? Jareth is automatically my favorite. But I demand rampant quoting from all individuals present... especially all of Godzilla's renowned one-liners.

You've just made Aenlaiel greater then I EVER have. Best LP ever XD

I forgot that BT3 has not that many different class portraits.

Does the Monk have a different one?

Nope - at least in the C64 version, monks have the same armor-clad portrait as other warriors. There are just four character portraits in all - male and female, spellcaster and non-spellcaster. (We'll see a pretty impressive variety of enemy graphics, though, as we visit the various dimensions)

Here's the one character portrait we haven't seen yet, for female warrior/bard/etc:

Chapter 3:
In which the Party visits the Dungeon and flirts with Death

When we last left our intrepid band, they had just stumbled down the staircase into the Catacombs of the Mad God's Temple. Let's see what they're doing now...shall we?

Pants: AAAACK!


McFly: What just happened?

Jordan: Well, we went downstairs, and then all the lights went out, and then Godzilla tried to grab my breasts, but in the dark and confusion he actually grabbed Pants, and then Jareth cast MAFL to make it light again.

Godzilla: ...

Pants: Dude, she's an elf. Night vision. And you have to trim those claws, seriously.

Jareth: Let's keep going. I feel the need...the need for mapping!


Pants: Actually, I've got a map of this level already filled in from the last expedition...check it out! The lines are walls, and the dots are doors.

Aenlaiel: What's the little thing at the bottom left?

Pants: That's our party.

Aenlaiel: And what are these reddish-brown spots all over?

Jordan: Oh...those are from our old party.


Godzilla: SMELL BAD!

McFly: Get in there, you big scaly oaf, I don't care what you smell!

EddieMcGil: Everyone was excited for their first big day. But the monsters in the catacombs would turn out to be tougher than the cannon fodder we were fighting on the surface.


Pants: Nice shot, Godzilla! 18 damage in 2 hits. And Eddie...you...good hustle. Good hustle.

Aenlaiel: Ha! He's not so tough. When we outnumber him seven to one, anyway. Hey, what's this on the floor?

Floor: Click! Fsssssshhhhhhh!

Godzilla: BARF!

Jareth: That's a poison gas trap. We'd better get Godzilla back to the temple. Or to a veterinarian.

McFly: Can't you cure poison?

Jareth: What do I look like, a level seven conjurer? Nobody here can cure poison yet. But Pants can keep heal the hit point damage with with QUFI.

Aenlaiel: QUFI?

Pants: Quick Fix. All spells have a four-letter code.

Aenlaiel: That sounds like a lot of work, having to memorize all sorts of cryptic Scrabble salad.

Pants: It is!

McFly: Of course, in 1988, if you weren't comfortable memorizing some cryptic commands...you probably weren't using a computer in the first place.


Jordan: Back at the shrine, and all we had to do was get back out of the dungeon and kill some hobgoblins and walk out of Skara Brae and kill some hobgoblins.

Aenlaiel: You left out one set of hobgoblins. Those guys are chumps.

Godzilla: BLEAAARFFF!

Pants: Yes yes, we know, you're very sick. Let's get you fixed up.

Priest: Have faith and be healed (cha-ching!)

Godzilla: UGH, THAT'S BETTER. I FELT LIKE GEORGE BUSH AT A SUSHI DINNER FOR A WHILE THERE.

McFly: Say, I think we might have enough experience to go up a level...let's go talk to the Old Man.


Old man: Level 2 for everyone! Mazel tov!

Aenlaiel: I feel stronger!

Jareth and Jordan: So do we, not that it matters for spellcasters!

Godzilla and McFly and Pants: And we feel lucky!

EddieMcGil: And I feel more dextrous!

Aenlaiel: Let's get back into the fight.

(On the way back to the Catacombs, the party meets a Wildcat)

Godzilla: HELLO KITTY! (*BIFF POW SPLAT*) ...GOODBYE KITTY!

Pants: Hold up, guys...I found some gloves.

Aenlaiel: Well, put them on!

Pants: No, I can't use them. They interfere with my magical whatsit.

McFly: Give them to Eddie, he can identify them for you, using the skills he developed by buying and selling stolen goods.

Pants: Thanks, Eddie! That's really nice of you.

McFly: Yeah. Good fences make good neighbors.


EddieMcGil: Let's see here... Aha, they're gauntlets!

Game mechanics time: Equipment!
In BT3, there are a total of 14 categories of equipment in all, so games of strip poker can take a long time. The main goal with equipment is to make your armor class (AC) as low as possible so that monsters can't hit you.

As you can see in the screenshot above, Eddie can't equip the scale armor and broadsword because they're Christian items and he's a heathen sinner.

Just kidding...the dagger symbols mean Eddie's the wrong class to equip them. Heavier armors and weapons (like the scale armor and broadsword) are only usable by warriors and paladins and hunters. Rogues and bards have a limited selection of items to choose from, and spellcasters more limited still. Later on we'll also find some class-specific gear (bard-only, rogue-only, etc).

We'll take these gauntlets and give them to Godzilla, which leaves Godzilla's AC unchanged but lets him hand his Leather Gloves down to Jareth. And now Jareth's AC is at 8 due to his snappy robes+gloves ensemble. That doesn't matter much now, but (foreshadowing!) if anyone in the front line gets killed, they'l shift to the back (party slot #7) and Jareth will end up on the front lines (in slot #4).

One nuisance in this game (much like Wizardry) is that there's no information on the stats of items, even when you identify them. You can find the AC effect of gear by trying it on, but there's no good way to know which weapons are best...so I'll be shamelessly abusing an item FAQ.

Moving to new levels (like the catacombs) gives access to better treasure drops; treasure quality doesn't seem to be influenced by the strength of the monster group you fight.

And now, back to our story...

Jordan: There's a sign here that says "The priests seek another word". But it doesn't say what kind of word, or what they want the word for. Maybe it's some sort of guessing game, like the one where you hold your ear to mean you're giving a rhyming clue and -

Pants: Let's just make a little note on our map and move on, shall we?


EddieMcGil: Further into the first level we met a Zephyrlord. He summoned three Wolves, who turned out to be trouble - they took thirty or forty points of damage to kill, and they hit hard. And the next thing I knew I was walking toward a bright light, and there was some Enya music playing in the background.


Aenlaiel: Seventeen hundred and ninety-height...seventeen hundred and ninety-nine...eighteen hundred.

EddieMcGil: What...where...

Pants: Don't worry, it can be disorienting. Just make sure you get them to stamp your card - every tenth one's free!

Jordan: You missed it! After you died, Jareth moved up one slot, and he was on the front row, and the monsters kept resisting his spell, and so he attacked with his staff, and he was like, "Eat kung fu, wolf!", and the wolf was like, "No way!"

Jareth: Yes, well, sometimes I surprise myself.

Godzilla: EXPERIENCE!

Jareth: Our colleague raises a good point - let's see if we've gone up a level, shall we?


EddieMcGil: We all reached level three. We each got a random stat boost, some more HP...the spellcasters even got their next batch of spells. And so, we wrapped up our first big visit to the dungeon. The next day, we would make another sortie into the catacombs.

Next update: Another trip to the dungeon! Will it turn out better for Eddie? Spoiler: No.

Jordan: Our first encounter of our second dungeon expedition. Here we have some Wicked Lurkers, who have the same animated portrait as the Daemongar we pulped earlier, plus some Magic Eaters, which are a different kind of green monsters. Also, I've cast the MACO spell, so that little arrow pointing to the right lets us know that we're facing east.

Aenlaiel: Enough self-narration, already. You've been hanging around with Eddie too long!


Aenlaiel: Don't worry about the magic-eaters. They only hit for one or two points of damage. They can drain spell points, but they can't reach the mages. On the other hand, those Wicked Lurkers are trouble...

EddieMcGil: I've always heard people say "If looks could kill", but I never understood it until the Wicked Lurkers started peering at me. One hit for 22 damage? That would've killed even Godzilla when we were level 1.


EddieMcGil: After I died, McFly started another Rhyme of Duotime (on top of the one he was already singing), letting the surviving party attack three times per round, zipping around like puppies on espresso.

Pants: Phew! All right, I think we've killed the last of them. Time to haul Eddie back to town.

McFly: That's...is that a wheelbarrow?

Jordan: Pants has a lot of experience in hauling dead party members back to town. We'd better get him back to the temple -

Godzilla: EXPERIENCE!

Jordan: ...or we could stop by the Old Man first. Hey old man, have courage and wit served us well?

Old Man: Huzzah! You're level 4 now!

Jordan: What about Eddie?


Jordan: ...That was creepy.

McFly: Ok, we'd better get Eddie patched up.

Priest: Have faith and be healed (cha-ching!)

(Back for a third trip to the dungeon!)

EddieMcGil: The next battle was a pack of Magic-eaters plus a Zephyrlord. Remembering how the last Zephyrlord battle worked out, we pulled out all the stops. McFly used Sanctuary Score for an AC bonus (see? Godzilla is down to -1), then Duotime to give people three attacks per round. Jareth, Pants and Jordan cast their healing spells; J&J can now cast WOHL to heal 4-16.


Aenlaiel: I know, I make it look easy.

Godzilla: I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!

(Weird combat mechanic note: After two casts of Duotime, the fighters hit either zero or three times, never hit once or twice. In other words, "multiple attacks" actually means "make one hit roll, and if you hit, roll for damage multiple times")


Jareth: Ah, here are the stairs down.

Godzilla: WE MADE IT, GUYS! WE MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST DUNGEON LEVEL!


Jordan: Ooh, I think this is the other half of the first message about how the priests are looking for a word.


Pants: Holy crap, the Pillsbury Doughboy acquired a taste for human flesh!

Jordan: What's a Nefastmaster?

Godzilla: IT SOUNDS LIKE A BREAKFAST-MASTER!

Aenlaiel: ...Only a master of evil! Nefast means "wicked".

Godzilla: I WISH IT WERE A BREAKFAST-MASTER. I WANT PANCAKES!

Pants: Uh-oh, Eddie's dead again and we haven't killed any of the Stairmasters. Put him in the wheelbarrow and let's run for it!

(Bongos play while everybody runs in place for three seconds, then they suddenly *ZOOM* off-screen, Scooby-Doo style)



Jareth: Ah, back to good old Skara Brae.

Priest: Have faith and be healed (cha-ching!)

EddieMcGil: *yawn* That was a good wheelbarrow-nap.

Aenlaiel: He is getting way too jaded about dying...

Pants: No kidding - these resurrection fees are totally cutting into our funds!

--------------------------------
That wraps it up for this time. Everyone's now level 4, and we've peeked into the second dungeon level. Level 1 is a pretty vanilla maze, but on level 2 we'll start to see some of the tricks the dungeon holds.
Death count: 3

Gary Numan: I was in a car crash, or was it the war? Well, I've never been quite the same.

Nice job getting everyone to level 4, even if Eddie died 3 times... Ouch

I'm curious where you did get so much money to resurrect Eddie...6000 gold pieces, do you get more money than I remember from encounters? Or did you grind-a-lot?

I feel like, somehow, I'm personally holding this party back.

- Eddie

The Reaganomics Rangers haven't had to do any money grinding...yet. The weak monsters in Skara Brae drop about 150-300 total, so 6000 gold pieces is at most 20-40 monster kills. The other side of the coin is that there's not much to spend money on. You buy healing at the temple, you buy spells for spellcasters, and you can bribe the barkeep for hints.

Those resurrections were expensive, so it might have been smarter to just reload. But I figure it's more entertaining to read about the true BT3 experience, complete with panic and death.

Could you even reload? I mean, wouldn't Eddie stay dead in the "real" Bard's Tale 3? And doesn't save-stating fuck up the disk image?

You can reboot, and then reload from the last time you explicitly hit S to save the game. I haven't been using emulator save-states (although I think CCS64 supports them), I've been saving to the character disk.

When the party is wiped out (and it's "when", not "if") their dead bodies somehow end up back at the refugee camp. I think if you really want to wear the hardcore pants, you can have some second-string characters haul your main party to the temple. But if that happens I just reload. That seems to be the expected way to play:

Chapter 4:
In which a Word is learned

The party takes another dip in the dungeon. In their first encounter:

Pants: Damn it, Eddie!

Jareth: We don't have 3600 gold to resurrect him.

Jordan: It's ok, we can just go up and jog laps around the overworld until we've killed enough wandering monsters to pay the temple.

McFly: I'll play Yakety Sax, to set the mood!


Pants: Ok guys, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is: After killing all those wildcats and imps, we're all level 5. (Except you, Eddie)

McFly: Womp waaaa!

Eddie:

Pants: The bad news is, we can't afford the new spells.

Godzilla: ...YET!

(...and so, it's off to the Tunnels below the Catacombs!)

EddieMcGil: We met up with some phantoms, and a Dark Priest. The phantoms walked into range and died...or did whatever it is dead things do when they go away. The dark priest got in one solid spell before we got to him, but Aenlaiel got in another critical hit. He has a 10% instant-kill rate now, and Godzilla has another attack per round at level 5. And I didn't even die! Things were really starting to come together. But soon the dungeon would get a lot more bothersome...


Aenlaiel: Hey, where'd this wall come from?

Jareth: Curious. A one-way passage. We can't go back south. Or go east, or north...I guess we'd better go west!

Aenlaiel: Is life peaceful there?

Jareth: No, but we do get to wrap around the map.


McFly: ...

Godzilla: ...?

Jareth: ...!


Jareth: First anti-sound, then anti-light. At least nobody's talking like Golgo 13 any more.

Pants: There's a big north/south band of darkness zone...we should get out of here.


Jordan: We found it - we found the word!

McFly: Where I grew up, there was a Chinese restaurant named Chao's, but the signage just said CHAOS.

Jareth: I assume they served things like Chicken With Extremely Mixed Vegetables.

Jordan: Now we just have to get back out. We can't go back through that one-way passage...we'll have to take the long way.


Jordan: Ow, that hurts.

Godzilla: OW, THAT TICKLES!

Aenlaiel: Careful! There's a lot of squares in the shape of big X that do damage if you stand on them.

(Note: If you turn, or even go into a menu and come back, the squares hit you again! They're mean. There's no in-game explanation for why you're losing hit points...it's like the old Dragon magazine joke article where a GM can cut out the wandering-monster middleman and skip straight to rolling against the Wandering Damage table; "Roll every die within 30 feet for damage" was my favorite entry)


Pants: We're getting there. This dotted line shows the path we took...

McFly: Glukk!

Godzilla: UH-OH.


Jordan: Ewwww! This might be the grossest thing yet.

Pants: Grosser than the goredroolers?

Jordan: It's on the top 10 of grossness, ok? Let's just get out of here.


Aenlaiel: Ok, McFly is dead, I'm poisoned, we're low on spell points...but we're almost home. Almost home...


Godzilla: WE MADE IT!

EddieMcGil: After we got out we ran around, got some more gold, bought some new spells, and got McFly's soul out of hock. In the process, we made it to level 6!


...and that finishes up the first dungeon! Next time, we'll say CHAOS to the priests instead of TARJAN, and visit scenic Unterbrae.

Deaths: 5

Consider the old man. In the manual he's just "the Old Man in the Review Board". And in this game he's just a plot device, like an old man in Dragon Warrior who lives in a remote cave and gives you an item. Maybe he spends his spare time fly fishing, or writing birthday cards to his grandchildren.

Audience Participation Time! The old man needs a name. What should we call him?


The Art of Noise: To be in England in the summertime with my love close to the edge

Chapter 5:
The Heroes learn the Value of Money, and encounter a Riddle

McFly: So, old man, what's your real name?

Godzilla: OLD MAN WINTER? OLD MAN RIVER? OLD MAN AND THE SEA?

Jareth: Are there some who call you......Tim?

Old Man: It's Wilberforce, all right?

Jordan: Wow...Wilberforce. With a name like that, I can see why he's content to just have people call him Old Man.

(After an awkward pause, the party goes down the street to the Temple of Very Bad Things)

Evil priest: What's the password?

Godzilla: CHAOS!


Pants: A new dungeon...a new flavor-text.


Jordan: Ooh, this looks like a puzzle!

Aenlaiel: Either that, or it's just a reminder of proper feng shui for decorating an evil dungeon.


McFly: These guys don't look so good.

Pants: No kidding, Doc Hollywood. Be careful, these things can wither you if they hit you!


McFly: Ehh? What's that?

Pants: I said, THESE THINGS CAN MAKE YOU OLD!

McFly: Yes, it is very cold down here!

EddieMcGil: Once someone was hit by the wither attack, their stats dropped to 1, which made them pretty useless in combat. Also, they wouldn't stop complaining about the youth of today and their crazy hair and their loud music.

Aenlaiel: Dag-nabbit, you big green kids, you need to skee-daddle!


Jordan: It's a good thing we "borrowed" this youth potion from the storage room in Skara Brae.

McFly: Phew! Urge to play bingo...falling...falling.

Aenlaiel: 2572 experience each and a harmonic gem...but it's too bad we started using up the youth potion. It'll be along time before we can cure withering...


Jordan: Ooh, look look! It's more dungeon brain teasers! Let's go see what's in the door, I wonder what's through the door, don't you think we should check it out?

Aenlaiel: Wait!


EddieMcFly: What was through the door? Bad things. We got teleported into a damage square, and the only door out was hidden. Then we were in an anti-magic zone that dispelled our shield. And then we were ambushed by Putrid Zombies, and it took three tries to run away.

Pants: Of all my dungeon expeditions, this one is -

Jareth: Slightly above average?

Pants: I'm beginning to think you doubt my hard-won navigation abilities.

(Back in town, the four survivors grind for gold by running back and forth across the street between buildings, which have a higher encounter rate than the streets. Soon everyone was resurrected!)

Aenlaiel: Ok, everybody check to see your limbs are attached properly? Good. The mages have all leveled up, so we're going to run the catacombs and get money for the new spells.

(The dungeon monsters drop better items...)

McFly: A Mother Scale? Like for seeing whether Porky weighs more than a mecha-drago?

EddieMcFly: It's MiTHRil. Oh, sweet nectar. Finally my AC is catching up.

Jordan: Yaaay Eddie! And hey, you didn't even die this time! Double yaaay!


...and that wraps up another dungeon visit. There's a secret word for this dungeon level. We saw a couple of hints for it...can you guess it?

In BT3, spellcasters start out weak, but become awesome. At level 1, fighters can do as much as 9 damage a hit, and a conjurer's ARFI spell only does 1-4 (and it costs spell points, and the target usually resist it outright). But later on, mages get awesome magic - spells that hit hard at long range, teleport around the dungeon, resurrect-and-heal the whole party.

For the first few updates the spellcasters have mostly been casting healing spells or Defending every round. Now we've got access to some new spells:

• Star Flare (STFL) does decent damage (10-40) to a group up to 40' away.
• Ybarra's Mystic Shield (MYSH), an ongoing -2 AC bonus
• Flesh restore (FLRE), heals 10-40. Cures posion (Psnd) and insanity (Nuts)

Will these fancy new options keep everyone alive in Unterbrae? Stay tuned...

End of chapter 5:
Levels: 8/7/7/8/8/8/8
Deaths: 8

Dexy's Midnight Runners: With you in that dress my thoughts I confess verge on dirty, ah come on Eileen