The Armor of God'll look good on me! Let's Play The Bible Game (GBA) !

Hello folks! Welcome to my first LP on The Return of Talking Time, and my first screenshot LP! (For text-only liveblogs, see the liveblogs section of TV Tropes. So if I do ''this'', '''this''', '''''this''''', or even try to [[PotHole things]] in this fashion instead of using BBcode, you'll know why.)

This time, the subject is the Game Boy Advance version of The Bible Game. As this is a Christian game, I decided to start it on the most appropriate day I could: Cinco de Mayo! I kid, I kid. Despite having the same name and cover and being made by the same people as the PS2/XBox version, I have it on Wikipedia authority that they are very different games.





According to Wikipedia, Crave Entertainment, which developed and published the GBA and PS2/Xbox versions of The Bible Game, was founded in '97 by Nima Taghavi. The Bible Game was released in 2005 in the NA market, and 2006 in the PAL, the former year being the one in which Handleman Corporation acquired the company. The PS2/Xbox version came out first in both markets, but there was only a difference of a week in the NA market, compared to four months and a few days in PAL. In 2009, Crave was sold to Fillpoint, and in October 2012, filed for bankruptcy.

I was going to list Crave's first game, most recent game, and the games immediately before and after The Bible Game, but that's not how the Wikipedia article lists them, preferring alphabetical order, so rather than scour through and make a note of each one so I can find these out, I'll just list the ones that catch my eye for one reason or another. (Not necessarily because I want to play them. NRA Gun Club, for example, does not sound like my cup of tea.)

* Asteroids Hyper 64
* Beyblade
* Blaster Master: Blasting Again
* Earthworm Jim: Menace 2 the Galaxy
* Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends
* Flushed Away
* George of the Jungle
* Looney Tunes: Bang and Vroom!
* Napoleon Dynamite: The Game
* NRA Gun Club
* Tony Hawk's Pro Skater
* VeggieTales: LarryBoy and the Bad Apple

I haven't played any of these, or even watched them being played, but there you go.



Alpine Studios does not currently have a Wikipedia page, but at least it has a website. At the time of this writing, it prominently displays as a new release a game called LDS Do You Know?. Its other current projects include Kublox, Combat Medic, 10-40 Silent Run, and Broken World.

So, let's start! (By the way, it actually does mean press Start; pressing A does nothing here.)



We start with our player character's mother, father, and sibling having a Bible study. The topic is the armor of God, as described in Ephesians 6.



The girl wants to know what it is, so the mother tells her what it does.



The boy seems to have a bit of a five-o'-clock shadow.



I'd say "influence" rather than "cause", as "cause" makes it sound like we have no control over our own actions.



The mother neglects to tell her offspring that it's a metaphor.





I'm so glad they explained how to use the menu. After all, this was probably someone's first video game. Anyway.

New Game is obvious, and we'll be doing it anyway shortly.



Password takes you to a screen where you can enter an 11-character password, uppercase alphabetic with no vowels or letters that can be vowels. Normally, it's all "B"s, but I'm demonstrating the "no vowels" thing.



Options... such as they are...

Credits, I'll show at the end. For now, New Game.



As you can see, there are three difficulty levels. I'll be playing the main game on Easy, but I'll be playing two other games in parallel so I can tell you about the differences.



By default, the pointer is pointing at the girl. Now I'll move it to the boy...



"I'm ready to put on the Armor of God!"

...then back...



"The Armor of God'll look good on me!"

Because the Armor of God is all about fashion. Okay, maybe she means it'll look good in terms of alignment instead of desirable appearance, but I kinda doubt it.

Okay, here is where you get to make a choice for me: Should the character for the main playthrough be the girl or the boy? It's completely cosmetic, makes not a bit of difference, but it's the only decision I can really leave up to you, so. Next Saturday night, I'll see how people voted, and act accordingly. (The playthroughs for the harder difficulties will be done with the other sibling, which probably won't matter outside of a few screenshots I'll take just to show what that looks like.)

So, cast your votes, and I'll get on with the game!

I'm feeling sassy. Pick girl for bible fun times.

Also, her portrait is slightly less horrifying than the boy's.

This game looks amazing.

The boy's 5 o'clock shadow creeps me out, so I'll vote for the girl as the protagonist.

If you're going to kick ass in the name of the Lord, you might as well look good doing it. I vote Girl.

Yeah, I'll have to go with the girl too. I have a feeling we'll need all the slightly-less-horrifying we can get.

Part of me wants to be generous and assume they're using "deceivers" as an overly literal translation of "diabolos," but I really can't be sure.

Anyway, go with the girl. She has the potential to be like that great Biblical heroine, Judith.

...

Judith isn't in the Bible they're using, is she?

If you type in YHVH, do you get invincibility?

No. The cartridge explodes to punish you for you blasphemy.

So apparently somebody decided that the girl should have two different poses for when the arrow is on her. That doesn't really make any sense.

I think it's just two captured frames of an animation.

There should be more female protagonists in games. Let's hope the Armor of God isn't all boob-windows and battle panties.

The Armor of God features a breastplate for men and a chainmail bikini for women.

Saint Red Sonja?

I haven't seen any questions indicating they're using anything outside the main 66, so probably no.

"Y" is a letter that can be a vowel, so I can't type that.

Yes.

Speaking of that, though, something I didn't show during the intro and didn't mention then is that the people blink if you wait. Also, the first shot of the family, with the Scripture verse, we zoom in to the point in the picture I have. Additionally, when the boy is imagining, that thought bubble expands into its form.

Especially since the girl looks like a preteen. Maybe early teen. No, the characters are well-covered.

Anyway, voting is closed. Girl wins by unanimous vote. See you when I have an update ready!

These Boots Are Made for Gospel



So, like I said, the girl has been chosen, so she moves to the middle of the screen...



...and gets her new, less modern, attire.



Each level is preceded by a loading screen. Here we see the church building, which is our goal for the level. In fact, the goal of every level except the last is to get inside the church.



So here we are, at the start of the level. Hmm, I wonder if I can go southwest...



Nope, invisible wall.



Onscreen is a Kingdom Resident. Their purposes will be covered later.



Also pictured: a golden bug. This is one of the many insects, arachnids, and amphibians known collectively as -- are you ready for this? -- Herra Ticks.



It spots the girl, and heads in her direction... slowly. Not shown: me killing it and getting a random drop.



And here's another form.



As with everyone whose beliefs are sufficiently different from your own without being so different as to constitute an actual different religion, the way you deal with Herra Ticks is to jump on them and kill them. For now, you only need to stomp once. However, they stop right when they reach you and start attacking, so you need to move a bit in their direction when you jump or you will miss.



The game likes to put HTs along walls where you can't initially see them, but if one's in your vicinity, it briefly makes a noise.



In addtion to being randomly dropped, items are also randomly scattered on the ground. Here's a cross, which does not, in fact, kill all enemies onscreen. I've already collected one from stomping a Herra Tick earlier. We'll get to their purpose later.



And here's a heart. It restores spiritual health, as indicated by the large heart in the upper right. But then, it also regenerates over time, so you could just wait if you're not under duress.

Herra Ticks they make y'wanna...



JUMP!



JUMP!



And here's a scroll. Its purpose, too, will be shown later.



Hee, chicken. It has no gameplay purpose, but it adds a little flavor as it walks around and occasionally stops to peck at the ground. Also, I like to accumulate all the crosses I can in an area before actually going to a Kingdom Resident. (Which means that their second purpose is probably all but useless at that point.) Also also, you get to see what it looks like when my health is not at max. I forget what hit me, there.



Here's a tunnel entrance, but we can't use it yet.



Finally, I approach a Kingdom Resident. Note that I have 5 crosses, and the number next to that water-drop-like symbol is 0.



"I see a Deceiver, over there!"

Yes, their secondary purpose is to point in the general direction of the next Deceiver, or, if I have to enter the tunnels to reach one, the direction of the entrance.

Their primary purpose, however, is to give me Holy Water in exchange for crosses. In the first level, the exchange rate is 1:1; this will change over the course of the game, and never in our favor.



Here's a Deceiver, throwing a fiery dart. Deceivers fly around in a square (at least, if you were looking directly down at the scene instead of having an isometric view) and throw two kinds of fire attacks: fiery darts...



...and fireballs. Here I am, trying to duck a fireball. You duck, by the way, with R.



That didn't work out so well; note the spiritual health decrease.



Can she duck a fiery dart?



Yes she can, yes she can! (Note the lack of spiritual health decrease.)

Enough clowning around; let's get this guy! (Not shown: me actually getting this guy.)



Oh, really? I thought the way you selected things might be totally different from the main menu!

Anyway, like many Bible-based games, this one asks Bible trivia questions. Answering enough of them correctly is how you defeat a Deceiver. There's a certain minimum percentage for each difficulty level. The manual tells you the percentage for each one, but I... eheh... don't know where it is.



This is what a question looks like before you answer it.



And this is me highlighting the correct answer...



...and choosing it with A. (Or z, since, y'know. Default VBA configuration.)



Kind of a gimme, especially since they used that name rather than, y'know, "Song of Songs".







Various correct answers to the remaining questions.



And for my efforts, I've defeated the Deceiver! Also, since I correctly answered all of those, I get an extra life!



The key piece slides into place...



...and the screen pans over to the tunnel entrance I showed you before, indicating that it can now be used.



I go there...



...stand on it, and press L (a.k.a. "a").



KILL IT WITH FIRE

Actually, I'm not that bothered by spiders, as long as they're not venomous.

These, of course, are Herra Ticks, and must therefore die. (Or I could just avoid them, but then I wouldn't get random drops.)



The tunnel itself isn't particularly interesting otherwise, so here we are at the other end. Yay!



Ah, fresh air.



Here, I randomly decide to demonstrate the purpose of scrolls.

Okay, you know how, to defeat Deceivers, you answer trivia questions? Well, each scroll contains one answer. So if you're not sure of yourself, consult these by pressing Select for each one you want to read.

At the other end of the field is a Deceiver, which I confront.



I'm not showing you all the questions, but I included this one because there's a funny choice.



I wish I could say that missed question was particularly hard, but in this case, I was just too quick with the "A" button.



At any rate, new piece of key!

His defeat opens the nearby tunnel entrance, so I go through it.



The tunnel itself wasn't any more interesting, I promise.

I do seem to have picked up 6 more scrolls.



More flavor: a bird flies over.



Hey, this looks suspicious: a path continuing from both sides of a wall.



I make another trade, and get more information that I already knew at that point.



Another Deceiver is confronted and defeated. Key Piece get!



His defeat opens a different wall, one you might not have expected.

But of note is that this means not every defeat of a Deceiver results in a tunnel entrance opening.



Not shown: the correct answer, "Jacob", being highlighted.



Two name-change questions in a row... though really, there's nowhere in Scripture that it ever says his name was changed. Everybody just assumes that it was because he starts being called "Paul".



By the way, meeting to break bread does not a Sabbath or Sabbath-substitute make. I know many learnéd men will disagree with me, but a verse that you have to make an assumption about does not trump many more that are quite clear. (I know the question isn't making that claim, but I know people do.)



At any rate, we get the penultimate key piece for the level...



...and this wall is cleared.



Beyond is the church, but before that is the final Deceiver for the level. And finally, I'm quick enough on the screenshot button to capture what happens when you go up to him: you hit him with a Bible.



Really "B'rei'shiyt", but "In" is a good approximation of what the first letter of the word means in context.

When the final piece is in place...



I love it when a key comes together!



We approach the church...



...and enter. Quest 1 complete! (By the way, while the passage does say something about metaphorically putting something on your feet, it doesn't particularly identify a particular variety of footwear.)



Cool, when do we go to Zebes?



So, next Quest, we go to the desert to find the next piece of armor.



And here, I show the pause menu for the first time. I'll probably show its features among the screenshots for the Medium playthrough soon, but the important thing to a player who doesn't have access to savestates is that it displays the password for your current status. (And since I didn't save a state, this is how I'm going to continue.)

Hey, that key looks somewhat familiar. Do you think there might be some sort of subliminal christian imagery in this game?

The ironic part, of course, is that most Biblical scholars are pretty well convinced that Solomon didn't write the Song of Solomon at all, but then again the question of who wrote what bits of the Tanakh is such a tangled issue anyway. It would have been a much more straightforward question if they'd picked something from the New Testament.

/why am I attempting exegesis on a game that thinks "Herra Ticks" is a hilarious pun
//good luck with the LP. I fear it's only going to get stranger from here on in.

Wonderful. And an act to emulate!

diablo's graphics are a lot shittier than i remember

You stomp and kill Heretics?

The lessons this game is teaching is ALL WRONG.

They are Hera-Ticks because they are In-sects.

That pun is so bad you should be burned at the stake.

Don't go all on a crusade now. I thought it was divine.

Back to the Herra-Ticks, they really could have given you better ways to a-Salem.

If you don't include the questions, how are we gonna learn about scripture?

One of the other questions actually had me reaching for my bible (only to find that I don't know where it is. I might not have brought it when I moved out of home), so I guess the game is serving its purpose.

Oh no Yimothy you fell for it!!!!!!!

I find seeing the questions interesting from a "Which questions they ask shows what parts of the bible they feel are important" perspective. Also, as a game aimed at kids, I suspect there won't be a lot of questions about, say, Onan in there.

What, you wouldn't talk to your kids about the technicalities of levirate marriage?