Adventures in Robo-Babysitting - Wonder Project J

Good morning, ladies and germs!



For your viewing pleasure, I've decided to play though a game called Wonder Project J. It's a Super Famicom game about teaching a little robot boy to love. It was never released outside of Japan, but the ROM was translated by what I'm assuming is a group of people going by the name WakdHacks. A five-second Google search doesn't bring up much on 'em, but that's besides the point anyway.

Before we get started for realsies, I need a little input for you, the audience.

Firstly:



We need a name for the player character. I don't think he's ever seen, as it's literally the player being referenced by the game characters. It'd probably make enough sense to just call him Ryan, but I'll let y'all choose anyway.

Nextly:



Our young robot friend will need a name as well. I'm guessing the popular vote will be "Pants" but I'm hoping for maybe a little more creativity? Whatever.

Also, I'm giving you the opportunity to choose what format this LP is presented in, either video or screenshot style. There are upsides and downsides to each. Let's have a look.

Video: I'm much more familiar with this style, and it's easier and faster. However, the game is a bit slow, and requires a lot of repetition. On the upside, it'll probably be pretty funny as I get frustrated at the robot boy not learning things properly. You can't transcribe shouting at the screen without losing what makes it special.

Screenshot: I've never done one of these before, and it'll be sloooooow going. However, I'll be able to cut off a lot of the crusts and present only the delicious, meaty parts of the game. Will probably be a more polished product in the end. Also, will be supplemented with videos of notable scenes.

Oh, and if we're doing screenshots, how big should I make 'em? Big like the first one, or bite-sized like the other two? Or somewhere in between?

So there you go. Voting commences now, and ends at the end of the day.

I'd say go for screenshot. It's not nearly as hard as you'd think, and there are lots of experienced LPers who could help you, plus it seems right for this sort of game.

Screenshot seems like the better deal. I recommend using the smaller size, and also getting rid of that blur.

I'd prefer screenshots, and we can combine a nod to the robot boy's original name and our beloved PANTS tradition by calling him Chinos.

I'll vote screenshot just because videos are harder for me to watch for whatever reason. Small size. I vote main character name's Ryan.

Hehe, Chinos.

Screenshots are my preference as well.

I read Screenshot Lps and I do not watch a video LPs, so the odds of your catching the vital Octo Prime segment of the audience increases dramatically that way!

Also, totally Chinos.

Screenshot, and his name should be Astro.

Well how could I not use screenshots then? It's kind of a landslide in that direction anyway, so screenshots it is! That said, the first updates should be showing up somewhere around... Tonight? It's a surprise!

I was going to leave voting open a little longer for names, but I doubt that Chinos could lose.

Ryan &
Chinos &
screenshots.

Working on the prologue here, should be up in a couple hours maybe?

So, I'm not really a stickler for image quality, so I don't really notice a blur. I guess it's an emulator thing I've never bothered to muck around with? I'm using ReroArch, so if anyone knows how to sharpen things up, I'd appreciate some guidance.

That said, I've already taken a buttload of screenshots, so it won't be until a couple updates down the road that we'll get the improved picture quality.

Ignore Kishi he's got graphic artist eyes - a cursed condition in which words like artifacting and kerning arise unbidden to snarled lips and fruitless anger while normal mortals enjoy blissful ignorance.

I don't know RetroArch, but it's probably not hard to get it to take non-blurry screenshots. Most emulators capture perfect PNGs or BMPs by default.

ACT 0 - Prologue + Intro Credits

Our story starts in some sort of large, ornate castle which I neglected to take a screenshot of.

We're off to a fantastic start.

After a long vertical pan (is there a specific word for a vertical pan?) of the castle's exterior, we get a close-up of this man with chicken legs, gigantic pauldrons and a comparatively pathetic little cape.



He's the Prime Minister, eh? He doesn't look too cheery, even though apparently the servants have almost finished assembling his newest model car. You'd think he'd be a little pleased at the news. Or maybe whoever sprited him didn't give him any facial gestures and he's stuck in a permanent state of Bert-face.



That's a lot of ellipsises there, buds.

What is this mysterious project? A model car destruction derby? Seems like a waste to me. Though after thinking about it all too hard, I guess it's less of a waste than an actual destruction derby.



Soldier doesn't seem to mind.

I got tired of editing together dialogue boxes like in those previous screens pretty darn quickly, so now you get to behold the lazy alternative: pasting the entire screenshots side-by-side. What can I say? The other way takes a really long time (not really), and I just don't have that kind of patience.



Wait, what? Messala, sir? Could you maybe provide us with a little context? Model cars don't typically have circuits in them. Unless they're like really fancy/expensive models cars. Definitely an advanced-level kit.

Also, exiting stage right with a "hehehehe..." like that? Usually that's the kind of thing reserved for a bad guy. You're not a bad guy, are you Messala?

The scenes fades and we then zoom off to a fancy-pants laboratory-lookin' place, occupied by an old man, a fairy, and a robot stuck to the wall.



The super-sized LEDs in the background blink on and off in what seems to be a random patten. Or at least, I wasn't paying enough attention to notice a pattern. I mention this because I don't really have anything else to add to this exchange.



Oooooooooooooooh.

So Model 4649 is not in fact, a model car. It is the wall-bot. Well, that certainly clears up a bit of that mystery circuit business. Why the wall-bot is called a Gijin, I don't know. Seems a little derogatory to me.



Have you ever seen a human child, Tinker? Normally their joints aren't exposed like that.

I'd just like to point out that the 4649's overall-shorts and pink cape are the absolute height of fashion. You'll be seeing that combo in all the Paris fashion shows this fall.



A plot is starting to fall into place maybe? Thought to have him learn and experience as much as possible would make this a very long let's play indeed. I mean, the average person learns and experiences new things every single day of their lives. With that mentality, this LP could literally take forever.

Maybe we'll just have him learn until his memory is full. Since this game came out in 1994, we'll assume that's what, 600MB? Shouldn't take too long.



That seems needlessly complicated, Doc. Why not just build an interface directly into 4649? I'll admit that I'm no professor of robotics or anything, so maybe there's a good reason that the doctor needs a fairy to give his orders to 4649.



Oh, okay. The fairy is here to enable exposition. Geppetto would look pretty silly if he were explaining all this stuff to himself!

Come to think of it, I still don't have any idea what Circuit J is.



Yes? Yes?



And then this happened.



Mad science is highly illegal in... hmmm. I'm not sure where we're supposed to be. But they have a Prime Minister and Geppetto said "eh?" up there, so Canada I guess. The beaver really gives it away.

Geppetto is understandably confused, because he's not very well-versed in Canadian law.

I don't remember when our army went back to wearing medieval armour though.



Hey, mad science is a crime, but it's certainly not treason. I'm starting to suspect that these soldiers may be arresting Geppetto under false pretenses.



The worst part of it all is that each and every one of those exclamation marks blinked into existence separately, and very slowly at that.

Oh, uh... don't worry, Geppetto. Innocent until proven guilty and all that.



And Geppetto just keeps shouting at Tinker to take care of 4649 as he's being loaded into the Patricia paddy wagon that I'm assuming is right outside. Or the... army prisoner truck... thing. I keep forgetting these guys are soldiers and not cops for some reason.



Tinker does what any exposition fairy would do in such a situation.



Scream and cry like a child.

Those exclamation marks also slowly blinked in one at a time. For dramatic effect? More like, to trick me into pressing a button with the intent of speeding up the text, but instead it would cut to the title screen and force me to watch this long, boring intro again to get all the screen grabs I need.

Actually, that's pretty much the end of the prologue. Now there's a short scene where 4649 chases around some animals, and then dashes up to the screen with a very impressive animation.



Ta-dah! Title screen!

Letting it sit for a couple seconds starts the intro credits rolling over some still images that I guess tell some more backstory?



The town is alive with the scent of flowers.



But then my reference was pretty on-the-nose and the Allies bombed the crap out of it.



And some scientist builds a team of robots fit to play Ice Hockey.



Robot quadruplets are happy to tend to the scientist's farm for some reason.



But then I guess the farmhands aren't happy that robots are stealing their jobs, and beat one to death with a couple meter sticks.

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure what these portraits are trying to get across here. It's probably not important anyway.



And then 4649 is running though a field, which is weird because last time we saw him he was attached to the wall. He's also got Bremen's Chip installed, so the local animals will follow him around single-file.



Join us next time, where maybe we'll get a sense of what's going on here on Wuhu Island?

Possibly gameplay as well, but I don't make promises that I can't keep.

Haha, very entertaining start. Keep it up, I'll read every update.

Nice mustache.

He's an infiltration cyborg, capable of changing his appearance to better maintain anonymity.

Hipster!

This got me curious.


So did this. So I...

That was on Super Famicom? Dang.

I was just going to record that animation because I'm terrible at gifs, but now the burden is lifted! Thanks, Kishi!

Actually I'll still probably videotize it because the next update is booooring and needs something visually impressive to spice it up.

Does anyone have a "I taught the toaster to feel love" gif for when we finally activate "Circuit J"? Because I'm pretty certain we're going to need that.

Haven't seen that commercial in forever, but I knew exactly what it was before clicking the link.

Act 1 is in the works right this moment. As an apology for what is to come, here's a video I captured of the title screen animation. It's fancy!


Think of this as one of those ever-popular "supplemental updates," only as half-assed as can be. Maybe even quarter-assed!

He LITERALLY kicks a puppy?! But his dog was chasing a cat, and I have that problem with my terrier... I don't know who to be mad at since the bird chases them all!?!

ACT 1 - The Birth of Model 4649

It's been nearly two weeks since we watched the intro to Wonder Project J, and that's entirely too long for the update that I've got on deck today. I blame RetroArch for capturing the "taking screenshot" text when you take two screenshots in a row. Boo, RetroArch. Just boo.

Anyways, I was faced with the choice of either editing that text out of a lot of screens or go back and get a bunch of fresh ones.The way I see it, both way are the hard way. so I just decided that today I'm going to be transcribing most of the dialogue, Dark Id style. Yes, even though there's a 25 images per post limit. It'll totally be worth it if this ever gets put into a TT LP archive.

This update is tutorials all the way down anyway.



Before starting the game proper, there's one very important thing we have to take care of: making sure the text speed is set to fast. I don't know if you can change it mid-game, but damned if I'm gonna find that one out the hard way.



Next, I need to name, well, me. The player takes an active role in the game, and characters (Tinker and the Robot-boy, anyway) will be addressing me directly throughout. So it's for the best that I got named Ryan instead of something silly. The "I say" joke is pretty played out at this point anyway.



See? She's at it already.

Are you going to help me?
What's in it for me?
Hurray! ♪ Hurray! ♪ Ryan! How can I ever thank you enough?
I didn't really agree yet... But how much money do you have? I accept cash only. No paper trails.
Please take good care of us!
Uhh....





From this day forward, we're going to be partners! ♪
Can you please remind me why again?
Please think up a good name for him! Model 4649 doesn't have a name yet.
What? The robot? Well, I've got a few ideas... Maybe I'll name him after my favourite genre of music...

At this point Tinker asks us to name Model 4649. Because Model 4649 is a bit of a mouthful and annoying to type out over and over again besides. Now, I haven't played this game in a few years, so I think that naming Model 4649 is going to be the only real choice I can afford you guys. Luckily, y'all knocked it right out of the park, and we're naming him Chinos.

Chinos, apparently, are a type of pants. Or, more accurately, a type of fabric that is most commonly made into pants. I know this because that's what I got when I typed it into Google.
True story: I'd never heard the word "chinos" before. Personally I think it sounds like a racial slur, but the proof is in the Wikipudding.



Tinker agrees with TT, though I suspect that she'd probably think that anything I chose would be a good name. Robot fairies aren't the brightest.

You should be happy, Chinos! ♥ Ryan is going to watch over and guide you!
No, seriously. What's in this for me? I'm not even sure how I got here in the first place.
Okay Ryan, I'm going to activate Chinos now.
You know what? I think I've changed my mind. This seems like it'll require effort and/or interest.
Too late, buddy! Pod computer! Release Model 4649! Wake up! Chinos!
Could you! Please! Stop talking! In short exclamatory bursts!

Wait, I thought you were asleep just up until now? How do you know my name?
Magic!
Uhhh....



...ah, I mean, Chinos's control system. You'll listen to my explanation, right?
I guess that I really don't have much of a say in this anymore, do I?



The scene moves to the "secret room" which is really just an empty room. I don't know why anyone would bother to try keeping it a secret. Unless the soldiers found it and confiscated Geppetto's enormous porn stash when they arrested him. God knows Tinker probably tried to recruit one of them before she dragged me into this mess.



Chinos and I are connected by an invisible pulse that directly transmits my instructions. In other words, Chinos will act according to the way you manipulate me!
Could you please find a way to rephrase that?

This sort of explains how Chinos knew me as soon as he woke up: he and Tink have got a robo-psychic link going on between 'em. Or, like, bluetooth or something. Every time I get to this part, I continue to ponder why Geppetto would need to build one robot to relay his instructions to another robot, instead of just giving Chinos the ability to understand his instructions directly. But then I remember it's because we need Tinker to tutorialize us, and ramble on endlessly. One of those gameplay and story segregation dealies, methinks.



Chinos runs on health and energy. If either reaches zero, he'll break down, so be careful, okay?
I'll do my best. I know jack squat about robotics, so if that happens, we'd be really boned.

I think you've probably figured this out by now, but the health and energy are the two values up at the top of the screen. They're simliar, but different. Rest assured, if Square-Enix were to port this over to iOS (which will never happen) it would probably cost Real Life Money to refuel Chinos' energy. Free-to-Play is the worst.



First we'll practice moving Chinos around. Move me in the direction you want Chinos to move and press the A button. Chinos will walk in that direction.
Okay, Tinker, I'm serious here. Wouldn't it just be easier for me to ask Chinos to walk over there? why do I need to tell him to do it through you? Chinos?
No! No it wouldn't! I'm his moral compass. If he took orders directly, he'd listen to just anybody! Can you even imagine how quickly that could spiral out of control?
Hmmm, I suppose you make a decent point. But what makes you such a good judge of character?
Moving on...
I can't think for myself! Yay!

Indeed, when you press the A button, Tinker will point a big ol' cartoon glove away from him and Chinos will walk in that direction. Pressing A twice in succession or again while Chinos is walking will make him dash. Dashing can get him places faster, but it drains his life (instead of his energy, for whatever reason). Also...



Oops. Nobody call Child & Famliy Services, okay?

Occasionally, Chinos might trip and fall on his face while meandering about. This decreases his energy instead of his health for whatever reason.



Probably would have been beneficial to cover that a little sooner. Chinos could've avoided getting his face smashed in. Nobody's going to believe he's a real boy with that huge dent in his head.
It's mean to let Chinos keep running into walls all the time.
Couldn't you just tell him to stop before he hits the wall? Obviously you know it's wrong, why didn't you do something about it?
No! Then what would we need you for?
They say it takes a village to raise a child. I doubt one robo-fairy could manage it alone.



Moving and stopping are important basic skills, so make sure you practice them well!



Tinker covered it pretty well there, but I guess it bears repeating. Mashing B on that controlbox while Chinos is moving will cause him to halt. This is what really separates Chinos from the other robots. Previous Gijin models would have assumed thak Tink wanted a high-five.



I'm the one that will actually pick up and move objects.
Oh good, so I won't have to get out of my seat at all then.
See that ball on the floor? Try moving me so my wand is touching the ball. Then, hold down the B button and move me around. It you let go of the B button, I'll let go of the item.



You can't see it, but Tinker is holding the ball. Kind of weird that she holds the items behind her, away from the player's view, but I guess if you've forgotten what you had her pick up that quickly, maybe video games aren't for you.



Just like you did before, pick up an item from the screen, and then move it to the window at the bottom. When you let go of the B button, the item will enter the inventory window.
Tinker, I've changed my mind. I'm bored. Can we just skip practice and I'll figure this out as I go?
No! Apparently you and Chinos both need to learn that actions have consequences!
grumble grumble...
To get it back out, grab it the same way with the B button! Please put it back out so we can keep practicing, okay?

Simple as that, really.



Chinos will act on items of his own accord.
Wait, so I can tell him to interact with an object, but I can't tell him how to interact with said object?
I think you're beginning to catch on! When he does, you'll see the lights at the top of the screen light up. That means one or more of Chino's parameters has changed.
Parama-what?
The red lamp represents a change to his combat parameters.
Hold on a second, why is Chinos programmed for combat?
The yellow one represents athletic parameters.
What did Geppetto intend for this robot?
The blue one indicates mental parameters.
Maybe I don't want to awaken Circuit J...
And the green one represents sensitivity parameters!
You're not even listening to me, are you?



Let's practce guiding Chinos to items! Try moving me so that my wand touches the ball and press the A button. I'll point at it and Chinos will come over and do something with it.



Chinos doesn't always know how to interact with an object properly. He actually has a pretty wide range of reactions to objects, and many of them are humourous. Of course, a good number can actually be detrimental in some way. Some might even cost you greatly...

Just like he did now, Chinos will act on items of his own accord. Of course, he won't necessarily always get it right... So, you have to praise and scold him in order for him to learn.
Like a dog!
Just like a dog. Let's practice praising him first! Try pressing the X button! I'll praise Chinos!



Tinker will fly over to Chinos and do a little YMCA dance (minus the Y,C, and A) when you want to congratulate Chinos on an interaction well done. It doesn't always take right away, but if you keep praising him for a correct action, he will eventually learn the correct action and react to an object the same way every time. He has a few different praise reaction poses and quotes too. Here we see his famous Finger Moustache pose.