LET'S STREAM SWORD OF ASUMI - Asumi's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Week

Hello Ladies and Gentelmen, welcome to let's stream Sword of Asumi.

Sword of Asumi is a kickstarter-backed project that was released on Steam in January of 2015. The game boasts an impressive cast of seven main characters, and features a strong, deadly female lead and fuck it I can't do this.

Sword of Asumi is trash. I got it for free and I paid too much. And while I'm willing to believe that there is such thing as a "Good" visual novel, I believe it much less after attempting to suffer through this.

Strap in motherfuckers, because this one is gonna hurt.

Youtube Playlist

STREAM OF ASUMI 01

WELCOME TO ANIME HIGH SCHOOL
AKA: MY SEMPAI CAN'T BE THIS HOME INVASION SEXY MURDER!!
Featuring FanboyMaster & Zero Elec (hitbox chat)

In which we give a helpless maid a concussion, beat up a guard, Stab a man to death in cold blood. And then it's time to WEAR CUTE & SEXI OUTFITS AND GO TO HIGH SCHOOL AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE FIND TRUE LOVE.

Why yes this was written by some white dude who lives on the opposite side of the world from Japan. What gave it away? Was it Asumi's "underwear"? Because I seriously cannot cringe hard enough.

STREAM OF ASUMI 02

HIT IT WITH THE HORSE MASK MR HANDS ON DECK
AKA: MAYBE SEMPAI WILL NOTICE ME IF I WRECK HIS SHIT
Featuring FanboyMaster & Zero Elec (hitbox chat)

Oh Hikari. Beautiful mysterious Hikari. I want you so bad, so I'm gonna insert myself into your life at every possible opportunity and act weird and offputting until the two of us end up making out on the roof for 8 hours.

Then things get weird.

Well.

Weirder.

why are you doing this to yourself, beat

stop it

NO. LOL CHARACTER LIMIT STILL NO THO.

I think this marks the first time I could actually hear you talking in all caps.

Good shit, bro. Good shit.

I ALWAYS TALK IN ALL CAPS.

THIS TIME JUST HUGE CHUNKS OF MY TALK WERE ALSO BOLDED.

When BEAT plays visual novels, he plays to lose.

Oh my god part 3 is taking FOREVER to process.

Hey man, Spoilers.

You have skipped past almost every single text box faster than Deep Blue can read them. I can barely make out the actual plot (there's a spy or some shit at the school, you need to kill they ass because reasons, and it's one of the students), and even if I could it's probably terrible. The hell you lecture me about spoilers.

When I say spoilers I mean SPOILERS!

STREAM OF ASUMI 03

SWEET AND AWKWARD (S)LAUGHTER
AKA: I'M WORRIED MY DATE WENT BADLY AND I GOT PEDOPHILE BLOOD ALL OVER MY NICE FETISH OUTFIT!!
Featuring FanboyMaster & Zero Elec (hitbox chat)

Finally it's time for our big date with Hikari and

Woah Hikari you're really gonna dress like that? It's like 80 degrees out dude. Okay fine whatever, you slave to fashion you.

Oh then we dress up in an lingerie (As opposed to all the others that were TOTALLY NORMAL UNDERWEAR) and seduce our principle before stabbing him to death.

Did I mention we're like 15?

We're like 15.

Somebody actually wrote this. Somebody sat down at their computer and wrote this. And then they put it on steam and charged people 15.99 for the privilege of owning it.

I'm not really surprised that they didn't give the principal a portrait at all.

They didn't even draw different portraits for the characters to display them over-emoting. They literally just swapped out the eyes & mouths and added blush as needed.

STREAM OF ASUMI 04

TRIUMPH AND TRAGEDY
AKA: SEMPAI NOTICED ME AND NOW WE ARE KISS KISS AND EVERYTHING WILL BE GOOD FOREVER!!
Featuring FanboyMaster & Zero Elec (hitbox chat)

Clearly 15-year-old girls making other 15-year-old girls dress up as sexy cat maids and walk around the school while rattling off loads of stupid stupid puns is a common occurance that nobody bats an eye at. Yep. 100% normal.

But it's all good though! Because we FINALLY got to play tonsil hockey with Hikari! Now that we're in a wonderful new relationship, us young lovers can look forward to a wonderful peaceful future together for a long long time!

Right?

Right???

That's not true, they drew outfits! Lots and lots of outfits.

EPILOGUE BONUS POST!
HOW CAN YOU ACT LIKE YOU GOT THE FULL GAME EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU BARELY EVEN READ THE TEXT?
This game was so obviously excruciatingly by the numbers that I seriously didn't miss a goddamn thing. Ninja girl kills some guy, gets sent to assassin hogwarts, decides she likes some moody jackass (that one's on me) Kills the principle who was a pedophile, gets hit on by two other girls, finally makes out with moody jackass and then gets shanked by the pedo principle's lover. The broad strokes of the story are so tragically obvious I picked them up by reading every 20th text box and the dialogue choices.

BUT YOU MISSED OUT ON ALL THE MEANINGFUL DETAILS! ALL THE TENDER FEELS!
Oh no I fucking didn't. Because there are none.

Everything that happened in this story was a contrived, obvious excuse to put a girl not yet old enough to drive in a variety of compromising situations. Every morning we woke up in a new set of lingerie. The game supposedly takes place in a school, but somehow we had more scenes in changing rooms then we did in classrooms. And don't even get me started on the portion where we're "cosplaying" as a sexy cat maid being bossed around by a sexy cat businesswoman doing some kind of game where we walk around in public like that for no discernible reason.

SEXY, or a poor representation of SEXY is the single reason this game exists. The artist spent so much times drawing SEXY clothes on top of the characters bodies that they didn't even bother to give them different poses. Characters that wouldn't have been SEXY enough don't even GET portraits, regardless of how important they were to the plot. The game has a big fullscreen graphic for two girls sitting next to eachother in bikinis, while "Fight" scenes, (which would have been great opportunities to use big fullscreen graphics) are done by clumsily describing the moves used while two motionless characters both stare in the wrong direction. Hell, the game's fucking name is "Sword of Asumi" and she is never, ever drawn actually holding a sword.

Visual novels can be excellent. Stories about high schoolers figuring out their feels can be excellent. Hell even stories that are all about sexy people looking hot can be excellent. But this game takes every bit of potential it's medium, it's premises and it's characters have and throws it all away for a bunch of PG-13 level pervery.

This game is disgusting. I am disgusted that it was even in the same bundle I bought to get the highly praised Freedom Planet. I suspect it was only there because nobody in their right mind would ever download it otherwise.

CREDITS:
SKYPE BROS:
FanboyMaster: Did a fantastic job keeping me at least somewhat on point from start to end! A better friend I could not ask for!

NON-SKYPE BROS:
Zero-ELEC: The hitbox Chat Man strikes again with his own brand of sharp wit and fantastic guidance re: murdering principals.
aturtledoesbite: Pleading with me to stop! But it was too late.
That Old Chestnut: Why yes, I am very loud!
Kalir: Spoiled the ending! (The ending was that Asami Loses and Dies).

AND FINALLY...
YOU: Thanks again for reading and watching, whoever you might be. I hope you enjoyed my dumb off the cuff video of a terrible visual novel, and I hope it brought a smile to your face or made you laugh a little bit. You're awesome.

Does it really count as keeping you on point if part of my influence was to convince you to wear a horse mask?

Man that was the best choice I made the entire stream.

I've only watched the first three videos, but I feel the third one ended so perfectly (and the fourth one sounds so...yeah) that the LP would be better served by my pretending it ended there.

I assure you sir, the final video is an appropriate climax to the madness that governed the last three.

It is quite possibly my finest hour. 10 minutes.

I just realized I really, REALLY should have posted these today instead of yesterday.

Oh well.

god bless you beat for succeeding in tasks where us mere mortals would be sure to fail

"time to go out sneaking! but first I have to put on my murder lingerie!"

R.I.P. in peace, Miss Meowington.

She died doing what she loved.

Killing someone while wearing an inappropriate outfit.

This was a masterwork, BEAT. And also genuinely funny.

This was 45 minutes, a Rum & Coke I poured way too strong and that horrible fucking horse mask.

Man, I didn't even watch the videos and I feel I got the full experience.