"...Whatever." - Let's Break Final Fantasy VIII

Table of Contents
Introduction
Part I
Part II
Supplemental I
Part III
Bonus Demo Update
Part IV

You knew this was coming, Talking Time. I've only LPed just about every FF in the series that hasn't been claimed by someone else, and this one was due for a visit from Sky Render. And we're not just going to play FF8; oh no. We are going to break this sucker harder than any FF has been broken before.



But first, a traditional bit of historical recap. Final Fantasy VIII had the impossible task of following up Final Fantasy VII. I don't think any game could possibly do this particularly well. I don't say this because I think FF7 is somehow sacred (it's really nothing special when compared to other JRPGs of the time), I say this because FF7 was BIG. I've mentioned this in past LPs, but chances are, you really don't know just what a big deal FF7 was. And you probably feel you have a really good idea even at that!



So how big was Final Fantasy VII? It sold nearly 10 million copies. That may sound like not such a big number nowadays, but let's travel back in time for a minute. Here are all of the games that had sold more copies than FF7 by the time FF7 was no longer flying off the shelves:

Super Mario Bros
Pokemon Red/Green/Blue
Tetris (GameBoy)
Duck Hunt
Pokemon Gold/Silver
Super Mario World
Super Mario Land
Super Mario Bros 3
Pokemon Yellow
Super Mario 64
Super Mario Land 2
Gran Turismo
Super Mario All-Stars
Mario Kart 64

Of these, only one of them is not like the others. Before FF7, exactly one game company in the history of the world that was not Nintendo had published a game which sold even close to 10 million copies of a single release of a video game. And technically, Gran Turismo got where it did concurrently with FF7 too, so they share that mark of pride. That, my friends, is why FF7 was an impossible game to follow up. There was no way, not in the nine circles of Hell (aka. FF13 and its sequels) that they were going to make anything as influential or game-changing as FF7 was.



So they did what any game company in their position (that's not Nintendo) would do: they changed everything. And it actually kind of worked, if the sales are any indicator (7.86 million copies sold is nothing to sneeze at). Final Fantasy VIII looks, sounds, and plays absolutely nothing like any Final Fantasy that had come before, and continues to be like no other FF even to this day. Its ambitions for gameplay rise to levels not seen since Final Fantasy II, and much like its spiritual predecessor, it falls into many of the same traps too. But not all of them...



Now, after what I've done to previous games in the series, you might think it strange that FF8 gets the specific desgination of "let's break" instead of "let's play". But quite frankly, what I did to other games in the series is peanuts compared to what I'm about to do to FF8, let me tell you. Even FF2 (which I snapped the difficulty on like a twig, with an ironman run as an encore just to shame it some more) and FF12 (which I overwhelmed with power insane) did not get broken to the degree that I am going to break FF8.



Now it's pretty well-known that FF8 is delightfully breakable. What is not so well-known is that the way I break it is so utterly sideways that it'll make your head spin. No-level? Yep. Card exploiting? Better believe it. Super-fast run of the game? Wait, what? 90% of game time spent outside of combat instead of in? You can't do that! Every fight is a cakewalk even with almost no battles fought? You must be cheating! No "boss dies in one hit" shenanigans to bore things up? No, way!



Well, there's no cheating going on here, folks. Watch and witness as FF8 is played the way it was never intended to be, as we bypass almost all of the experience and finish up stronger and faster than we have any right to. And even have fun doing it!

Introduction - Liberi Fatali

It all begins here.



♪♪ Overture ♪♪

If you sit there doing nothing for a while, the opening credits begin to this funky tune. We get some black-and-white shots of FMV stills for FMVs that don't even appear in the game. Huh.



Alright, no sense waiting any longer. Let's begin this trainwreck.

Also available in video form!



♪♪ Liberi Fatali ♪♪

I don't know why Squaresoft loved shots of waves hitting the shore so much in the PS1 era, but there you have it.










What's funny is, this text is completely different from when it shows up in-game later. Yes, there is relevance to this strange text. And to the visuals, but that won't become clear literally until the game is over.




But yeah, we have a lady in blue. And apparently she likes grabbing pollen.



And turning it into feathers! That's quite a talent.



Into the skies it goes, where it stops, nobody knows!




Man, it got cloudy fast.




Ah jeez, who the hell dropped a goddamn sword out of the sky!? Maybe it was the crazy lady in the background there?

I think we have a title drop.





Transition via feather-scattering sword! That's a new one.




I wonder if these two women have anything in common.



Like being able to walk through doors. That would be convenient, but it would also kind of defeat the purpose of using a door too.




Oh, nevermind, we're in the midst of a te-a-te. And it looks like it's on.





It's on like Donkey Kong!




Do you mind with the spoilerific flash-forwards, game? I'm trying to enjoy a melee here!



Yay more swordfighting!




Boo more SYMBOLISM!

Feathercoat seems to have the edge here.



Here comes the haymaker!



Uh, dude? Your hand's kinda a little on fire. Might wanna do something about that...



Oh, fireball to the face! He did not see that coming!



Uh, Cross-Coat? What are you pondering?



Feathercoat seems to be at a disadvantage now, but it would be sportsmanlike to let him get up--



Wait, stop. Don't do that. This will not end well for you.



Look, you're summoning flashforwards, that's never a good sign.




Welp, you did it.



Yeah, that is not the face of mercy.




Right back at ya!



Damn it, Feathercoat, stop summoning feathers every time you swing that thing!






Oh no more flashforwards!



Falling into each others arms, how romantic! And completely different from how it actually happens later in the game. Go figure.



And title! Good job everyone, we've made a completely incomprehensible opening FMV.

Okay, so, I guess this is our protagonist.



And already we need a name. Showing all the telltale signs of Asperger's Syndrome, this sulking teen is a loner who keeps everyone at arm's length yet shows incredible talent at the thing he loves most: swinging that Gunblade around like nobody's business. He thinks much and says little, and it's probably just as well since he tends to put his foot in his mouth when he does talk (though not on purpose). He's not a bad guy, despite what you might have heard; he just wants to be left alone. So, what shall we call him? Letter limit: 7 characters.

(And no, I will not name him Emo Git, so don't even ask me to. Spoony's review is funny, but this LP needs to be its own thing.)




I'll also need names for an ice goddess who doesn't have the good sense to put on some pants and a thunderbird (as in literally a bird that eats thunder and craps lightning) who's looking for his Aztec worshipers and moonlighting as a summoned monster in the meantime. Letter limit is 9 characters. Get to it, Talking Tyrants!

I could've sworn you had done this already. Or maybe I just assumed you had, because of course you would.

Do the GF names ever show up outside of menus?

Amazingly, I did not! I planned to pretty much as soon as I finished FF12, but somehow it never happened.

GF names never show up outside of the menus and combat. Which is a shame since nobody in their right mind summons a GF in combat, but still. FFX did the same thing, and we got some fun names there if you remember.

Squall: Watever
Shiva: MisionVao
Quezacotl: Slugbird

Squall: James Rolfe
Shiva: James Rolfe
Quezacotl: James Rolfe

Don't worry - it won't hinder us.

Well... The thickest pants in existence probably couldn't warm her up - so why even bother?

I totally second Watever and Slugbird, but would like to suggest Shiver for Shiva.

I will never stop pushing the theory that was a weird transliteration issue like Barrier->Varia.

Why?.

You can't really call that a 'theory'; it could be easily proven true or false by going back to...what, FFIV? and translating the Japanese text for Shiva's name, to see if it actually does translate to something else.

(you're also probably wrong, unless you want to claim that ifrit and so on were all also transliterated and just so happened to be the names of mythological figures)

Fair point. Should have said "private in-joke."

And besides which, it wouldn't be from the American localization, it'd be from the original yanking of names. "Hmm... isn't this god's name English for that thing you do when you're cold? Ice theme! While we're at it, naked woman! Because being naked makes you cold, and I'm not drawing a naked DUDE."

I'm currently working my way through a second playthrough of FFVIII (having last played it in maybe 2002), so I'll be interested to see what you do with it. I've sort of made an effort to game the game, but haven't really managed much.

Squall: Typhoon
Shiva: Ruto
Quetz: Slugbird

I am super in favor of this thing.

My best idea for names is to start an X-Men theme for the GFs and name the first two EmmaFrost and Storm.

Whateva
Krishna
CardEater

I vote that all GFs be named for top-posting Tyrants. Shiva? More like Shivam. Alexander? More like Alixsar! Or Alexb I guess.

That no GF even superficially resembles a robot octopus makes things tricky, though.

I like this.

I guess that makes Quezacotl...Qu_Marsh? Hmm.

Tomm Quezacot

Leviat(h)an would be closest, I think. And of course, BEAT's already got one tailor-made for him in the form of Doomtrain. Interesting idea...

Neither of those is a top poster!

Well, I think it's obvious that Cerberus should be renamed Missile.

Wait, top posters? I thought you said top pomeranians!

For now, let's focus on the two GFs at hand (and our protagonist). If we do decide on theme naming, we'll have plenty of time to come up with the appropriate theme names for later GFs when they pop up.

Well, let's see.

Squall - Tyrant
Shiva - Shivam
Quezacotl - PaulLeFou (what are thunderbirds, anyway)

I'm going to second Turtle.

I like these names the best.

I'm voting with the specific application of my general idea.

I forget, can you rename Gilgamesh? Because that is the most Octo-like of all FF8 summons/GFs if you ask me. At least he has 8 limbs and is the best character in the entire game.